My sweet Ava!

So this was Ava's response to hearing about Washington DC. You see for those who dont know, Ava and I are inseparable! When she heard about the move and realized I wasnt coming along for the trip...it was bad news...

It went from bad to WORSE... very quickly!


They finally convinced her to go under the condition that I would visit often and they would fly home to see me in October.

She is now in Washington and trying her darndest to make the most of it...however, it is just torture being without one another. Her days are full of amazing activities that are just mundane without sharing such moments with her best aunt in the whole wide world!

She sits and waits for word of my arrival...she can barely stand to hold herself up anymore...soon enough it will be hard to even get up in the morning! (pause for laughter) Every time there is a knock at the door she darts to see if her Aunt Isa has come to brighten her day...

And with every charge for the day she is left with such disappointment and sadness...

She has even resorted to hiding in her toy box during the long hours of the day...











Now ... she is becoming angry!

So after hearing about this recent developement...I have decided to go visit my sweet and precious niece...As I called and let her know I was coming...Amy held the phone out on speaker phone. She was thrilled to hear my voice, it was absolutely flattering to see her face light up with joy...then as she heard the words she was so longing to hear...this was her delightful expression:


Now, even though they choose to torture her with horrible UT wear...she can wear her smile and bear and grin it...because after all her Aunt Isa will be there soon!


YAY...

Cant wait to see you either my sweets!





OK . OK .OK

So that was all a way to show you all
the freakin adorable pictures of my sweet niece
Ava Elisabeth Hall! She is actually doing wonderful and growing and loving her parents dearly!


However, the part about the torture...that was very true...how cruel can you be!
It ok though...she gets to be an Auburn Tiger some of the time too! :)

Honesty in love...

So I am sitting at home after a long full day and an evening of laughter and wonderful company. I sit now with my thoughts of where I am in life and how different it is than where I saw myself. I stumble not only for words right now but I struggle to form the thoughts that utter those words. I cannot make sense of the place I am. I cannot explain how I got here. I know that I am where my feet stand firmly grounded on the Rock. However, my heart wavers on contentment. My heart had desire and love wrapped up in the idea of where I would be standing today. My mind saw a very different picture. And yet where I stand that vision is not only gone but deminished. The thoughts I had once are now now just memory, but vacancy. On hard nights I would call this loss. But I am reminded of the God that allows me to see Will rather than loss. My God shows me time and time again that in seeking HIM I will find HIS will and there is no loss in the will, but rather a better vision than my heart dreamt up for myself.

I faithfully follow keeping my eyes on HIM...afterall a friend kindly reminded me the other day that if my heart is completely His then the guy who will chose to dance through life with me...will find me there. I struggle just as anyone else to see friends and family move into other phases of this so called "life" but...my life is not different unless I chose to let it be. My life offers the same joy, love and happiness...simply in other forms.

Ryan Adams has a song that states "I know it’s not a game, But it feels like losing when someone you love throws you away" BUT I must remember that the one God intends to love me will imitate the Love of my God. And that love, no matter the disappointment, will constantly support what I have been convicted of all my life.

I choose constantly to love people that dont always show the same respect. And my heart continues to face changes to make me a better person. The one called to walk with me hand in hand will have sought the same in life and will able to love me and realize how lucky we both are.

So I thought I would give you guys a glimpse into my world! Ha.

Today I was motivated and moving at high pace. I love those days because at night, I actually feel accomplished! On top of what I got done at home, I also managed to get myself ready to go to dinner tonight! I did so during Gillian's nap (shes newly 3) when she woke up I heard her shuffle around and wander into my room. As she rounded the corner, she looked me over. I asked " Does this look ok?" She looked again and said..."I dont like it" I asked her waht was wrong with it. This was her three year old response...

"Its old, you need a new one, a new dress. We can go to tar't'et [target] and get you one."

I love the laugh it gave me...but man I am raising a monster! Can you imagine her as a teenager? ha.

Im so blessed to have a job that I love and a family that takes care of me as much as I take care of them. I love them very much and too be honest, as I face another relationship facing the end of the rope...they have been a constant that has my feet grounded! Its somehow easier to keep your head held high when you have people who love you tell you so all the time! Especially when others decide they dont!

A Familiar Fear

I have spent the past few weeks really earnestly seeking the heart of my Father. I have struggled and dealt with some unexpected changes. I have had to reevaluate my life and where God has my steps leading me. 

Have you ever been in the Word and learning "life lessons" when the words and the thoughts you have recorded come back to literally smack you upside the head???



I began with thinking about what God has had on my heart...and then began to read in my journal and retrace my spiritual journey over the past few months. I have had one obvious common ground! FEAR! and that one issue was the struggle of my heart the past few weeks. 

Im not going to bore you with all the jaw dropping realizations I came to...but I am going to lay out what I learned. 

Fear can be both good and bad...

The FEAR of the Lord is a good thing...I gives us the perspective of who we are in light of who GOD is. However FEAR in any other form is detrimental to our faith! 

In our lives, we are constantly under struggles of many forms...all of which are allowed by our loving Father in order to grow us into the vision He has for our lives. While we endure these "dark times" we are often unaware of how much GOD is accomplishing in us! Although all these struggles come against us they are but used for a divine purpose...

In our struggles we can sometimes fall weak to the pitfall of FEAR. This is more than against us...it isn't allowed by GOD...IF it gains foothold ... then we are the ones guilty of allowing it! FEAR grounds itself in our hearts and plants doubt among faith. All of a sudden our faith is so weak, that rather than "standing" we "sit" and ponder..."WHERE IS GOD???"

 At any time FEAR can become destructive...however, when we are weak from resisting...especially during the trials of our lives, it becomes a greater threat. It quickly removes the hope that our faith brings forth and replaces it with uncertainty in our beliefs. We gradually are unable to see any glimpse of GODS hand in tough times...because we all together fail to see HIM in our lives. 

The perfect defeat of this FEAR is to come to the realization that GOD IS FOR US! Once we understand and claim that promise...GOD becomes our focus once more and our FEAR loses its grip...and is destroyed! 

A man who has meant alot to me spiritually over the years gave me this thought on the issue...and I have been contemplating it the past few weeks: 

"There will be threatening circumstances, there will be threatening people, even amidst our HOPE we may come face to face with 'famines' of sorts, but if we fight off the spirit of FEAR, we will continue to stand through because we stand on the truth that GOD IS FOR US!"



The saying of JOSHUA..."Be strong and Courageous" takes on a whole new meaning now!

 Also...I must confess the FEAR I have spoke of has had a constant foothold in my life...I allowed it to seep into my work, my reputation, my decisions and even my relationships...but unknowingly over the past few weeks GOD has been teaching me of that FEARS destruction in all those areas. I will choose not to fear any longer. The reason I KNOW I have over come that fear is because of the words found in 1 John: 

"There is NO FEAR in love...Perfect Love drives out FEAR, because FEAR has to do with punishment (NOT guilt, which I have been taught/told)." 

As a side note...that perfect love is our Father and to go a step further...the reason that love drives out fear is because when we accept the Lord into our lives and give HIM the reigns...He replaces our current Spirit with His Spirit and the Spirit is not nor will it ever be a part of FEAR...but rather what we use to fight that FEAR. The spirit inside of us is what cries within us to the Father and acknowledges that we are HIS sons and daughters. What a comfort!

SO...once more...another ground for accountability! I will not allow my fear of what People say and think drive my decisions, work, self concept, or my relationships...ONLY the Father will direct my steps...and under HIS guidance...those steps are STRONG!!!!!

Thoughts...

Feelings…a rare commodity that often becomes overlooked in the slightest intent to care. Feelings…the very core of a person, the sense of confidence and strength within.
Feelings…the most fragile and delicate part of our sense of self.

Feelings are broken, torn, and mended…it is a process continually in the works. Women being notorious for our “hurt feelings” are often the recipients of a sighs and rolled eyes…

My heart tonight is content…but lacking. My heart is joyful but mourning. My heart is longing yet cautious. When is it that the feelings that have once been dashed, recoupe to give our self-worth a second run???

Tonight although I have the world to be thankful for; I feel less than secure…more than lonely. I feel like…


The miscellaneous item on the grocery list…Forgotten.
A baby straining to say what they want…Tantalized.
The light switch with no purpose…Insignificant.
The window a baseball flew through…Shattered.
The plant in the corner of a guest bedroom…Neglected.
An upset stomach…Tender.
The single mom who has no one to admire her effort…Tired.
The flower that reaches to the heavens…Hopeful.
The man who sleeps beneath the bridge…Hopeless.
A trip to Paris…Romanticized.
The turn that got you lost…a Mistake.
The item you have one too many of…Disposable.
A runner with their eye on a prize…Certain.
The rock foundation to stand on…Dependable.
The arms of love…Safe.
The comfort of a system…Habitual.
The reflection of ones self…Familiar.
A boat lost in a storm…Vulnerable.
A one night stand…Cheap.
The lone chair in a room…Desolate.

I feel what my heart says I shouldn’t. I have much to be thankful for…and less to regret. Yet all the while I have no courage to take the mistakes and learn. I have no confidence to open my eyes to possibility or resolution. I am stagnant in a place of forlorn complacency. I am my own prison. My mind entangles my love…and my love entraps my heart…all leading to one result…I feel alone!

You can feel alone in a room full of people. You can be isolated when you have events to choose from. You can be secluded even when your calendar is maxed out…Loneliness comes when your value feels undefined.

I am happy…just searching for the proof in words…I want the confidence I once had…

New and Strange Beginings

So I worked all weekend and Although I am working again today...the kids are in school and the youngest in napping and I am left with a minute to myself. A minute in which ALL the things I have ignored catch up with me. Ok, so ignored may be the wrong word. More like opted to not focus on. So My sister and my brother in law along with their dog and my wonderful niece have moved to Washington DC. I am left with the realization that I actually loved living close to them. We are incredibly close and having them leave really put into perspective how important they are to me. And with many other options in my life on hold, typically I would throw myself into my work. Which would be good. But for some reason I do not feel like I would accomplish anything for myself in doing so. I want to experience life...not just the next dollar. I want to see parts of the world I have not seen and I want to make memories that I have to share with others. I have my list of "to do" here at home...but who knows where you may find me soon to come. :) One thing is for sure though. I MISS MY FAMILY!

When doubt meets its end.

Lord, you take my prayers and blow my mind,
You take my heart and hold it tight.
My fears abound and worry entraps,
Lies ring true and insecurity surmounts.
You stand with me where ever I am,
low or high never far from my side.
I doubt and I question, I fall away,
I run and hide and fear your ways.

But without fail you always prevail.
You lift my head and steady my legs.
You guard my heart and appear so real.
holding my hand and guiding gently along,
Life crashes around yet you stand firm and strong.
My rock and my Refuge, my mighty GOD!
My provider, my healer, my heart and my song.


The Lord loves us even when we walk away. It doesnt matter as long as we turn and walk back. He forgives because He loves us. His heart breaks to see us when we fall. He has us on His mind when He is far from ours. We are loved reguardless of our past, our present, even faults we still have yet to face. He loves selflessly, purely and completely with everything in Him.

I want to love Him and others like that!

Love will reside...

A heart can beat to a tune of a song
The voice of a friend or the rush of a night.
A heart can carry where we dare not let our feet tread
A heart can mold a person to forgive and forget.
The heart allows our vulnerability to reveal
the softer side and the part that is real
The heart lays us out to be hurt and deceived.
The heart makes way for broken relief

Without the heart, chances are missed
We wouldnt jump or step out and take risks.
Love would be foriegn and lessons unlearned
The love of our God would not be understood

We value others by taking such strides
to go out on a limb and subjected to such strife
Once a blue moon true love will be found
Our hearts find their home and new shelter is found.

Our God never means to allow hearts to break
But we are the ones that choose which roads we will take
He offers his arms to comfort and provide
healing and laughter and love to reside

He longs to give what our hearts long to have
In stepping with his guidance that love we will find
We wait for his hand and step with his pace
We find perfect peace when seeking his face

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)