A Familiar Fear

I have spent the past few weeks really earnestly seeking the heart of my Father. I have struggled and dealt with some unexpected changes. I have had to reevaluate my life and where God has my steps leading me. 

Have you ever been in the Word and learning "life lessons" when the words and the thoughts you have recorded come back to literally smack you upside the head???



I began with thinking about what God has had on my heart...and then began to read in my journal and retrace my spiritual journey over the past few months. I have had one obvious common ground! FEAR! and that one issue was the struggle of my heart the past few weeks. 

Im not going to bore you with all the jaw dropping realizations I came to...but I am going to lay out what I learned. 

Fear can be both good and bad...

The FEAR of the Lord is a good thing...I gives us the perspective of who we are in light of who GOD is. However FEAR in any other form is detrimental to our faith! 

In our lives, we are constantly under struggles of many forms...all of which are allowed by our loving Father in order to grow us into the vision He has for our lives. While we endure these "dark times" we are often unaware of how much GOD is accomplishing in us! Although all these struggles come against us they are but used for a divine purpose...

In our struggles we can sometimes fall weak to the pitfall of FEAR. This is more than against us...it isn't allowed by GOD...IF it gains foothold ... then we are the ones guilty of allowing it! FEAR grounds itself in our hearts and plants doubt among faith. All of a sudden our faith is so weak, that rather than "standing" we "sit" and ponder..."WHERE IS GOD???"

 At any time FEAR can become destructive...however, when we are weak from resisting...especially during the trials of our lives, it becomes a greater threat. It quickly removes the hope that our faith brings forth and replaces it with uncertainty in our beliefs. We gradually are unable to see any glimpse of GODS hand in tough times...because we all together fail to see HIM in our lives. 

The perfect defeat of this FEAR is to come to the realization that GOD IS FOR US! Once we understand and claim that promise...GOD becomes our focus once more and our FEAR loses its grip...and is destroyed! 

A man who has meant alot to me spiritually over the years gave me this thought on the issue...and I have been contemplating it the past few weeks: 

"There will be threatening circumstances, there will be threatening people, even amidst our HOPE we may come face to face with 'famines' of sorts, but if we fight off the spirit of FEAR, we will continue to stand through because we stand on the truth that GOD IS FOR US!"



The saying of JOSHUA..."Be strong and Courageous" takes on a whole new meaning now!

 Also...I must confess the FEAR I have spoke of has had a constant foothold in my life...I allowed it to seep into my work, my reputation, my decisions and even my relationships...but unknowingly over the past few weeks GOD has been teaching me of that FEARS destruction in all those areas. I will choose not to fear any longer. The reason I KNOW I have over come that fear is because of the words found in 1 John: 

"There is NO FEAR in love...Perfect Love drives out FEAR, because FEAR has to do with punishment (NOT guilt, which I have been taught/told)." 

As a side note...that perfect love is our Father and to go a step further...the reason that love drives out fear is because when we accept the Lord into our lives and give HIM the reigns...He replaces our current Spirit with His Spirit and the Spirit is not nor will it ever be a part of FEAR...but rather what we use to fight that FEAR. The spirit inside of us is what cries within us to the Father and acknowledges that we are HIS sons and daughters. What a comfort!

SO...once more...another ground for accountability! I will not allow my fear of what People say and think drive my decisions, work, self concept, or my relationships...ONLY the Father will direct my steps...and under HIS guidance...those steps are STRONG!!!!!

Thoughts...

Feelings…a rare commodity that often becomes overlooked in the slightest intent to care. Feelings…the very core of a person, the sense of confidence and strength within.
Feelings…the most fragile and delicate part of our sense of self.

Feelings are broken, torn, and mended…it is a process continually in the works. Women being notorious for our “hurt feelings” are often the recipients of a sighs and rolled eyes…

My heart tonight is content…but lacking. My heart is joyful but mourning. My heart is longing yet cautious. When is it that the feelings that have once been dashed, recoupe to give our self-worth a second run???

Tonight although I have the world to be thankful for; I feel less than secure…more than lonely. I feel like…


The miscellaneous item on the grocery list…Forgotten.
A baby straining to say what they want…Tantalized.
The light switch with no purpose…Insignificant.
The window a baseball flew through…Shattered.
The plant in the corner of a guest bedroom…Neglected.
An upset stomach…Tender.
The single mom who has no one to admire her effort…Tired.
The flower that reaches to the heavens…Hopeful.
The man who sleeps beneath the bridge…Hopeless.
A trip to Paris…Romanticized.
The turn that got you lost…a Mistake.
The item you have one too many of…Disposable.
A runner with their eye on a prize…Certain.
The rock foundation to stand on…Dependable.
The arms of love…Safe.
The comfort of a system…Habitual.
The reflection of ones self…Familiar.
A boat lost in a storm…Vulnerable.
A one night stand…Cheap.
The lone chair in a room…Desolate.

I feel what my heart says I shouldn’t. I have much to be thankful for…and less to regret. Yet all the while I have no courage to take the mistakes and learn. I have no confidence to open my eyes to possibility or resolution. I am stagnant in a place of forlorn complacency. I am my own prison. My mind entangles my love…and my love entraps my heart…all leading to one result…I feel alone!

You can feel alone in a room full of people. You can be isolated when you have events to choose from. You can be secluded even when your calendar is maxed out…Loneliness comes when your value feels undefined.

I am happy…just searching for the proof in words…I want the confidence I once had…

New and Strange Beginings

So I worked all weekend and Although I am working again today...the kids are in school and the youngest in napping and I am left with a minute to myself. A minute in which ALL the things I have ignored catch up with me. Ok, so ignored may be the wrong word. More like opted to not focus on. So My sister and my brother in law along with their dog and my wonderful niece have moved to Washington DC. I am left with the realization that I actually loved living close to them. We are incredibly close and having them leave really put into perspective how important they are to me. And with many other options in my life on hold, typically I would throw myself into my work. Which would be good. But for some reason I do not feel like I would accomplish anything for myself in doing so. I want to experience life...not just the next dollar. I want to see parts of the world I have not seen and I want to make memories that I have to share with others. I have my list of "to do" here at home...but who knows where you may find me soon to come. :) One thing is for sure though. I MISS MY FAMILY!